Día de la Mujer: Chistes Machistas.
Que buenas vacaciones. Dejé botada esta lesera harto rato. Volví a la capital y me encuentro con la temenda cagada. Tomé una micro para llegar a la universidad y fui a parar a San Bernardo. Tomé el metro para hacer el mismo recorrido y las minas que quería manosear andaban todas con alfileres. Transantiago y la c..tumare como decía el blog de una socita que le gusta a un amigo (es para webiarlo no más).Es el día de la mujer y como corresponde que les regale algo en mi estilo, bueno. Ahí les van chistes machistas. El último es de mi cosecha por si acaso. Con todo cariño y respeto, ajajajaja. ¡Volví, volví!
1. ¿Cómo ayudas a tu mujer a limpiar la casa? - Levantando los pies cuando pasa la aspiradora
2. ¿Cómo elegirías a las tres mujeres más tontas del mundo? - Al azar.
3. ¿Cómo se llama a la mujer que sabe dónde está su marido todas las noches? - Viuda
4. .¿Cuál es el miembro más largo de una mujer? - La escoba
5. ¿Cuál es el astro más cercano a la mujer? - El astropajo
6. ¿Cuál es el único defecto de la mujer? - El no tener la cabeza plana para apoyar la piscola mientras te la lame.
7. ¿Cuál es la peor desgracia para una mujer? - Parir un bebé varón, porque después de que durante 9 meses han tenido un cerebro en su interior... ¡van y lo expulsan!
8. ¿Cuándo serán las mujeres iguales a los hombres? - Cuando puedan mear cinco a la vez en el mismo water.
9. ¿En qué se diferencian las mujeres de las focas? - En que unas tienen bigotes y huelen a pescado, y las otras... viven en el mar.
10. ¿En qué se diferencia una mujer al conejo de Duracell? Que al Conejo le tienes que poner la pila para que se mueve. Y a la mujer se la tienes que poner para que se quede tranquila.
posted by CERATIEGO @ 7:13 PM
307 Comments:
At 8:13 PM,
MASTER YODA said…
El último esta weno. Donde queda Sn Bernardo, mejor te vai pa la U con el Conejo de luca, jajajaja
At 11:21 AM,
Waldo_Pedro_R said…
Que eres pickle gil, juajuajuajuajua
At 12:55 PM,
RIPNE said…
Oye, sandwich de palta, no se puede contar ni una sin que se te arranque, galletas gritón.
La de las cebras en la infografia esta notable, jaja.
At 2:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
hi
At 2:53 PM,
Anonymous said…
esta bueno el blog, pero siempre tiene que haber chistes machistas.
para no quedar en menos, como tu pusiste 10 chistes machistas, yo te pongo.. 169 Chistes Feministas
En el cerebro de un hombre había una neurona triste y sola. De repente un día aparece otra neurona con aspecto de felicidad y le pregunta:
- ¿Que estás haciendo aqui sola?
La triste contesta:
- Bueno, no se... siempre he estado sola, nunca había visto antes a otra como yo.
La feliz replica:
- Desde luego... venid al pene que estamos todas allá.
¿Cuándo las mujeres se independizarán completamente del hombre?... cuando los carritos de supermercado tengan motor.
¿Qué tienen en común los hombres y la menstruación?... son un mal necesario.
¿Por qué la araña viuda negra mata al macho después de copular?... para evitar que comience a roncar.
¿Cuál es la forma mas rápida de llegar al corazón de un hombre?... directemente atravez de las costillas.
¿Por qué solo el 10% de los hombres llegan al cielo?... porque si todos fueran, seria el infierno.
Los hombres no maduran hasta que se casan... y después se pudren.
¿Cómo hacer para que el gordo de tu marido haga abdominales?... una vez tirado en el sofa, ponle el control remoto sobre las rodillas.
¿Por que los hombres se sientan con las piernas abiertas?... porque si las cierran se apachurran el cerebro.
¿Cómo se le llama a un hombre que espera tener sexo en la segunda cita?... lento.
Las mujeres tienen muchos defectos, los hombres sólo dos: "todo lo que hacen y todo lo que dicen".
Las mujeres solteras se quejan de que los hombres buenos están casados, las mujeres casadas se quejan de sus maridos. Esto prueba que los hombres buenos no existen.
¿Por qué se suspendería la práctica de la circuncisión?... porque los médicos temen que pueda causar daño cerebral.
¿Cómo se llama a un hombre que ha perdido el 99% de sus facultades mentales?... castrado.
¿Por qué el psicoanálisis es más breve para el hombre que para la mujer?... porque cuando hay que hablar de la infancia, los hombres todavía están allí.
¿Por qué los hombres prefieren rubias tontas?... porque buscan compañía intelectual.
¿Cómo es un machista?... es el que en el momento crucial no se le para, y te pregunta: "¿ésto te pasa muy seguido?".
¿Cómo se distinguen los obsequios reales que te hacen los hombres, de los que te hacen para disculparse por algo que hicieron?... estos últimos son mejores.
¿Qué es lo que se infiere instantáneamente al ver a un hombre bien vestido?... que su mujer tiene muy buen gusto.
¿Por qué los hombres son como el clima?... porque hagas lo que hagas no los puedes cambiar. ¿Cuál es la diferencia entre un hombre y un bebé?... uno puede ser permanentemente quejoso y hasta insoportable, el otro es sólo un bebé.
¿Por qué los hombres son como los diplomas?... porque te tardas años en conseguir uno, y una vez que lo tienes no sabes que hacer con él.
¿Cuándo un hombre vale un dolar?... cuando el precio del huevo suba a cincuenta centavos.
Todos los hombres sueñan con una mujer que sea: una dama en las fiestas, una ama de casa en la cocina y una puta en la cama. Pero ¿con que suelen acabar?... con una que es una dama en la cocina, una ama de casa en la cama y una puta en las fiestas!
¿Porque los hombres tienen dos brazos?... uno para cargar el cemento y el otro para los ladrillos.
¿Cuál es el misterio del hombre, que aunque envejece sigue siendo inmaduro?
Cuando un hombre de 40 años se divorcia no encuentra, nunca, a ninguna mujer de su edad con su misma madurez intelectual. Por eso, se busca una de 20 años.
Las mujeres tienen miles de defectos. Los hombres sólo dos. Todo lo que hacen. Y todo lo que dicen.
¿Por qué el psicoanálisis es más corto en los hombres?... porque les piden que empiecen a contar su historia desde la infancia, pero nunca salieron de ella.
Los hombres son como los OVNIS. No se sabe de dónde vienen, cuál es su misión ni cuánto tiempo se van a quedar.
El hombre le pregunta a Dios:
- ¿Por qué hiciste a la mujer tan bella?
- Para que te enamores de ella.
- ¿Y por qué la hiciste tan tonta?
- Para que ella se enamore de vos.
¿Por qué los hombres tienen columna vertebral?... porque, de no tenerla, se pasarían el día chupándosela.
¿Cómo se sabe cuando un hombre miente?... porque está moviendo sus labios.
¿Por qué hay más maricones que lesbianas?... porque ni a "ellos" les gusto ser hombres.
¿Por qué la mayoría de las mujeres maneja mal?... porque todos los instructores de manejo son hombres.
¿Por qué taxis y colectivos son hombres y no mujeres?... porque la "bestialidad" es "un requisito indispensable".
¿Por qué existen los maricones?... porque nunca es tarde para enmendar el error.
¿Por qué hay más mujeres que hombres?... porque la "Madre Naturaleza" es sabia.
¿Por qué a Tarzan lo escogieron hombre y no mujer?... porque se necesitaba un cuerpo atlético con "cerebro de mono".
¿En que se parece un hombre a "Windows"?... en que cada vez que sale parece que lo incluye todo, pero al final siempre aparece una versión que lo reemplaza.
¿Que es un Travesti?... un hombre queriendo superarse.
¿En qué se parece un hombre a un león enjaulado?... en que parece muy feroz, pero finalmente es inofensivo.
¿En qué mes los hombres cometen menos estupideces?... en febrero, porque sólo tiene 28 días.
¿En que se parecen los hombres a los canguros?... en que son las ratas mas grandes que hay.
¿Por qué a los hombres les gustan tanto los autos y las motos?... porque son lo único que pueden manejar.
Cuanto más conozco a los hombres, más quiero a mi perro.
Dios creó a Adán, pero fue Eva la que hizo un hombre de él.
- Señoritas, no nos pongamos en lo peor, cada hombre es un mundo diferente, así que lo mejor es "hacer turismo".
¿Qué tiene diez brazos y un coeficiente intelectual de 60?... cinco hombres viendo un partido de fútbol.
Yo opino que hay sólo dos clases de hombres:
1) Aquellos que piensan con los pies.
2) Aquellos que piensan con la cabeza... del pene.
¿Que canta una neurona en el cerebro de un hombre?... "Estoy aquí, aquí solita!" (canción de Rosario).
Resulta que para entrar al cielo, había una entrada para hombres y una para mujeres. Por la entrada de hombres, había dos puertas, una con un letrero que decía: "MI MUJER MANDABA EN MI CASA"; y otra con un letrero que decía "YO MANDABA EN MI CASA". Como es de suponerse, en la primera puerta, había una cantidad enorme de hombres esperando, mientras que en la segunda puerta, no había nadie. Hasta que de repente, al llegar al cielo, uno de los interesados por pasar, tomó la opción de entrar por la segunda puerta. Todos los presentes se sorprendieron muchísimo, y cuchicheaban entre sí, hasta que por fin alguien se animó a ir a preguntarle al recién llegado el por que había elegido esa puerta, a lo que el hombre respondió:
- Es que mi mujer me dijo que me formara aquí.
¿Qué hacen las mujeres mientras encuentran al hombre de su vida?... se casan.
¿Por qué la mujer se tira al suelo después de hacer el amor?... para sentir algo duro.
Un niña le pregunta a su madre que cuantos tipos de hombres hay. La madre sorprendida le responde:
- Mira hija, los hombres durante su vida pasan por tres fases: Antes de los 29 son como el arbusto del jardín, duros y bien dispuestos. Hasta los 49 son como el roble, fuertes y confiables. Y a partir de los 50 son como los arbolitos de navidad, con las bolitas de adorno.
¿Por qué es tan difícil encontrar hombres caballerosos, bien parecidos y generosos?... porque todos ellos ya tienen novios.
¿Cuando se llega a cierta edad, quién huele peor, el hombre o la mujer?... el hombre, porque tiene el pájaro muerto y los huevos podridos.
¿En qué se parecen los hombres a las moscas?... amanecen, se soban los ojos por 5 minutos y después joden todo el día.
¿Cuáles son los 4 animales elementales en la vida de toda mujer?... un bisón en el armario, un jaguar en la puerta, un tigre en la cama y un burro que la mantenga.
¿En que se parece un hombre a un vestido de novia?... en que solo sirve una vez.
¿Cuál es la diferencia entre un bar y un clítoris?... cualquier hombre es capaz de encontrar un bar.
¿Cuál es la mejor amiga de la mujer?... la amante de su marido.
¿Qué hace una mujer si quiere echarse 5 polvos en el mismo día?... arregla con 5 tipos distintos.
¿Por qué las mujeres casadas nunca se emborrachan?... porque no soportan ver a su marido dos veces en el mismo día.
¿Qué le falta a un hombre para ser perfecto?... todo.
Una señora en el ginecólogo, dice él:
- Señora, está usted embarazada.
- ¿Otra vez?
- ¿Es que su marido no toma precauciones?
- El sí, pero los otros no.
¿Qué hace una mujer fuera de la cocina?... le hace los cuernos a su marido.
¿Por qué los hombres llevan calzoncillos?... para no mancharse los zapatos de caspa.
¿Cómo se llama esa cosa de piel siempre inflamada que llevan los hombres en los pantalones y que vuelve locas a las mujeres?... una cartera llena de billetes.
Dos amigas hablando:
- María, ¿qué me das por mi marido?
- Nada.
- Trato hecho!
¿En qué se parecen los hombres a una escoba?... en que sin el palo no sirven para nada.
¿Cómo se llama al hombre que sabe donde está su mujer todas las noches?... viudo.
¿Qué hacen 50 hombres en una sala?... medio cerebro.
Un hombre le dice a su novia:
- Cariño, ¿me seguirás queriendo después de casados?
- Claro, siempre me han gustado los casados.
¿Qué es lo que consigue que todos los hombres sean hermosos?... la oscuridad.
¿Qué es un espermatozoide con maletín?... un representante del cerebro de los hombres.
¿Que hace una mujer metiéndole los cuernos a su marido con un enano?... está quitándose el vicio poco a poco.
¿Por qué a las mujeres el matrimonio les quita el placer del sexo?... porque cuando están por tener relaciones llega el marido a casa y le fastidia el plan.
¿Cuál es el hombre más mezquino del mundo?... el que no le confesó a su mujer que era estéril hasta que ella le dijo que estaba embarazada.
¿Qué dice una mujer después de hacer el amor?... ¿Cómo que ya está?!?!
¿Cuáles son los tres enemigos de la mujer?... solteros, casados y viudos.
¿Cómo se llama la modalidad de tenis en la que en cada lado de la cancha hay una mujer y un hombre?... individual femenino con obstáculos.
¿Por qué los hombres solteros y los hombres casados se envidian entre si?... porque los dos creen que el otro tiene sexo más seguido.
¿Por qué existe el machismo?... porque de ilusiones también se vive.
¿Por qué muy pocos hombres mueren ahogados?... porque la mierda normalmente flota.
¿Por qué hacen falta millones de espermatozoides para fertilizar un solo óvulo?... porque los espermatozoides son masculinos y se niegan a preguntar cuál es el camino.
Tres hombres haciendo un examen de inteligencia. La pregunta es que cuánto son 6 X 6.
El primero responde: "Febrero". El segundo dice: "1000" y el tercero "36".
La maestra sorprendida dice "Muy bien, ¿Cómo lo has sabido?", y él responde: "Muy fácil, dividiendo Febrero entre 1000".
¿Cuál es la forma de conseguir que hombre haga abdominales?... colocándoles el control remoto de la TV entre los pies.
¿Por qué los hombres no pueden hacer las tareas de la casa?... porque los cerdos no entienden de limpieza.
¿En qué se diferencia un cerdo de un príncipe?... en que la princesa se tome 5 cervezas.
¿Qué hay detrás de un hombre inteligente?... una hábil ventrílocua.
- Querida... ¿quieres que te traiga el desayuno a la cama?
- NO!... jamás he quedado satisfecha en la cama.
¿Cuál es la diferencia entre un hombre y un tacho de basura?... el tacho.
¿Por qué Dios creó al hombre?... para que alguien te mantenga.
¿Por qué Dios hizo primero al hombre y después a la mujer?... porque los experimentos primero se hacen con ratas y luego con humanos.
¿En qué se diferencian un hombre y un vibrador?... en que los vibradores no aprendieron a hacer asados.
¿Qué tienen de parecido hacer el amor y cagar?... que los dos te causan placer.
¿Y en qué se diferencian?... en que después de cagar no tienes que estar cuatro horas abrazada al inodoro y hablando tonterias.
¿Por qué las mujeres no tienen cerebro?... porque no tienen un pene donde ponerlo.
¿Por qué la inteligencia de un hombre no se puede pagar con dinero?... porque no existe una moneda tan pequeña.
¿Por qué la enfermedad de las vacas locas no afecta a los hombres?... a) porque ataca al cerebro; b) porque son unos cerdos.
¿Cuál es el hombre que piensa más profundo?... el minero.
¿En qué se parecen los ex-novios a las resacas?... son un mal necesario para pasarla bien.
¿Por qué el hombre ladea la cabeza para pensar?... para que las únicas neuronas hagan contacto.
¿En que se parece un hombre a un cajero?... en que si no te da dinero no sirve para nada.
¿En que se parecen los hombres a los colectivos?... en que si se te pasa alguno, te agarrás el que viene atrás.
¿Por qué los hombres tienen el agujero del culo?... para que les llegue aire al cerebro.
¿Qué es lo único malo del pene?... el hombre.
¿En qué se parecen los hombres y los chicles?... entre más los pisas más se te pegan.
¿En que se parecen los hombres a las cervezas?... en que del cuello para arriba solo tienen aire.
Un hombre va caminando por el desierto y de pronto se encuentra con una lámpara maravillosa. Se le aparece un genio que le concede un deseo. El hombre dice:
-Quiero que me llegue el pito al suelo!
Y entonces el genio va y le corta las piernas.
¿En qué se parecen los hombres a los pedos?... en que te los tiras cuando quieres.
¿Por qué nacen niños y niñas?... porque a algunos niños les cortan el pene para que les crezca cerebro.
¿Qué es un hombre sin brazos y sin piernas?... un Liquid Paper (tippex).
¿Qué le dijo un hombre a otro?... nada, porque las bestias no hablan.
¿Por qué los hombres tienen más estómago que cabeza?... porque es más fácil alimentarlos que educarlos.
¿Por qué las mujeres tienen que hacerse un análisis de heces antes de casarse?... para ver con que mierda se van a casar.
¿Por qué los hombres tienen que estudiar en un submarino?... porque en el fondo, pero bien en el fondo son algo inteligentes.
¿En qué se parecen los hombres a los caballitos de mar?... en que se creen unos potros y son unos pescados bárbaros.
¿Cómo vuelves loco a un hombre en la cama?... escondiéndole el control remoto.
¿Por qué Dios creó primero al hombre y luego a la mujer?... porque como todo buen artista primero hace el borrador y luego la gran obra.
¿En qué se parecen los hombres a los delfines?... en que se piensa que son inteligentes, pero aún no se comprueba.
¿Qué es un grano en el pene de un hombre?... un tumor cerebral.
¿Por qué les sale barriga a los hombres pasados los 30 años?... para que no vean cómo se les queda fláccida la herramienta.
¿Cuál es la forma de conseguir que un hombre pase un fin de semana entretenido?... lo pones en una habitación redonda y le decís que barra las esquinas.
¿Qué le pasa a un hombre cuando lo capan?... comienza a pensar con la cabeza.
¿En qué se parecen los hombres a un microondas?... en que se calientan en 15 segundos.
¿Cómo se llama la piel que le sobra al pene?... hombre.
¿En qué se parecen los hombres a los mocos?... te molestan y te los quitas de encima, pero siguen apareciendo más.
¿Por qué existen los hombres?... porque un vibrador no te paga un trago.
"Una mujer no sabe que tipo de marido no quiere hasta que se casa con él."
- ¿Sabes que María se quitó de encima 70 kilos de grasa inútil?
- ¿Y cómo hizo?
- Se divorció.
¿En qué se parecen los hombres a la pizza?... en que los llamas por teléfono y a los 10 minutos los tienés calientes en tu puerta.
Un hombre va caminando por el desierto, encuentra una lámpara, la frota y un genio se materializa:
- Por haberme liberado te considere tres deseos.
- Bueno... quiero ser inteligente.
- Concedido!... pideme tu segundo deseo.
- Quiero ser más inteligente!...
- Pero... ¿está seguro?...
- Absolutamente!...
- Concedido!... ¿cuál es tu último deseo?
- Quiero ser aún más inteligente!...
- Pero... ¿por qué no pide riquezas, mujeres, tierras y esas cosas?
- Porque no. Quiero ser más inteligente...
- Esta bien, pero debes saber que tendrás que cumplir un requisito para ser tan inteligente.
- No importa, lo haré. ¿Cuál es el requisito?
- Tendrás la regla cada 28 días.
El 99% de los hombres le da una mala reputación al resto.
¿En qué se parece un hombre a un microondas?... en que al principio piensas que sirve para todo y final solo para calentar.
¿En qué se parece un hombre a un espermatozoide?... en que de millones solo uno sirve.
¿En qué se parece un hombre a una papa?... en que los dos están mejor bajo tierra.
¿En qué se parece una milanesa de soja y un vibrador?... en que los dos reemplazan a la carne.
¿Por qué los chistes machistas siempre ocupan 2 líneas?... para que los entiendan los hombres.
¿En que se parecen los hombres a los caracoles?... en que tienen cuernos, babean y encima se arrastran. Y por si fuera poco, creen que la casa es suya.
¿Cómo se congela un cerdo?... tirando de la frazada.
¿En que se parecen los dinosaurios a los hombres inteligentes?... en que los dos se extinguieron.
¿En que se parece un hombre a un rumor?... en que los dos se 'corren' enseguida.
¿Por que son mejores las pilas que los hombres?... porque al menos las pilas tienen un lado positivo.
Los hombres son como los baños... o están ocupados o están llenos de mierda.
empiezan a ponerse interesantes, el episodio se acaba.
¿Por qué los hombres tienen la conciencia limpia?... porque no la han usado nunca.
¿Qué tienen en común: los aniversarios de boda, un baño público y el punto "G"?... que los hombres no aciertan con ninguno.
¿Cuál es la diferencia entre un camión lleno de cerdos y uno lleno de hombres?... la patente.
Las medidas perfectas de un hombre son: 80-03-80... 80 años de edad, 3 infartos, y 80 millones en el Banco.
¿Por qué las mujeres tienen tanto problema para estacionar?... porque los hombres les hacen creer que una cosa chiquita así son 20 centímetros.
¿Qué diferencia hay entre OSCURO y DURO?... que OSCURO está toda la noche.
Dios llama a Adán. Le dice:
- Hijo, tengo una buena noticia y una mala.
- La buena primero; contesta Adán. Dios responde:
- Te voy a hacer dos regalos, un cerebro y un pene.
- Fantástico!... ¿y la mala?
- Es que no tienes suficiente sangre como para hacer funcionar los dos al mismo tiempo.
¿Cómo llamas a un hombre que se cambia de sexo?... inteligencia artificial.
¿Por qué los hombres se ponen una mano en el corazón y otra en su cosa?... para ver cuál se les para primero.
¿Qué hacen los hombres cuando les dicen que tienen azúcar en la sangre?... hacen pipí en sus Corn Flakes.
¿Por qué las mujeres de hoy no se quieren casar?... porque no quieren cargar con el cerdo por 10 gr. de chorizo.
¿Que dijo Dios después de crear al hombre?... "Creo que puedo perfeccionarlo".
¿Por qué los hombres las prefieren vírgenes?... porque no toleran las críticas.
¿Qué es lo que logras al tener dos pequeñas bolas en tus manos?... la completa atención de un hombre.
¿En qué se parece un hombre a una tormenta?... en que no sabes cuándo acaba, ni cuánto más durará.
¿Qué es un hombre inteligente?... un extraterrestre.
¿Para qué el hombre le pone nombre a su pene?... para saber quién es el que toma todas las decisiones por él.
¿Qué es lo más parecido a un hombre inteligente?... una lesbiana.
¿Para qué se masturban los hombres?... para tener sexo con alguien que aman.
Inteligencia masculina es una contradicción.
¿Que obtenemos si dividimos la cantidad de hombres por la superficie que ocupan?... la densidad de estupidez.
Marido: ¿Para qué usas corpiños?... si no tienes con qué llenarlos.
Esposa: Y tu usas calzoncillos... ¿o no?.
Solo un hombre puede comprarse un auto de $400 y ponerle un estereo de $4000.
¿Por qué Dios creó al hombre?... porque un vibrador no corta el césped
At 5:05 PM,
Catalina_Araneda said…
Jojojo, me iba a retirar indignada pero este último arranque de creatividad me hizo reírme mucho, jojojo.
Huaso bruto, jojojo.
At 2:44 PM,
Waldo_Pedro_R said…
Las otras viven en el mar, juajuajuajuajua
At 3:31 PM,
joaquin urrutia said…
Los chistes notables
La cago
Saludos
At 8:39 PM,
Beto_Torres said…
La mia todavia no muere, jajajaja.
Ese no me lo sabía, my bueno. En su nivel, maestro de maestros.
At 2:52 PM,
Jenipher said…
Jajaja, casi me hago de la risaaa!!!
Están muy buenos...
At 9:36 PM,
Maqui & Violetas said…
Guaaah!
Se pasó la de los 169 chistes machistas, claro que no los conté ni los leí todos :-p
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